The Champs Gym Tips

So there a lot of people that are maybe scared of going to the gym because its new or they aren't sure what to expect. From time to time I will address some of these things as they happen to me. I am a gym expert. I have been a member at a gym since I was 14. In total I have worked out at a total of 9 different gyms.

DON'T FLEX IN THE MIRROR NAKED. I was walking into the men's locker room looking down as I was taking off my workout gloves. I look up and two feet away from me is a 40 year old man, naked, looking in the mirror doing a side pose and flexing. This means the front of him was facing me and yes we made eye contact as this was happening. What do you to say to someone flexing naked? "Hey squeeze those glutes some more?"

Motivating yourself to workout is hard enough and time consuming. It also costs money. Having to spend more time and money at a therapist trying to remove this image from my mind is not what I need.

AT LEAST WEAR YOUR UNDERWEAR. Again I don't want to see any part of your bare body. If you are shaving your face in the mirror naked and your underwear is sitting on your shoulder or in your bag is it so hard to put it on so when you drop your razor I don't see you bending over to pick it up. Seriously what is wrong with you people? And another thing don't sit on the benches naked. At least put your towel down and sit on that. Other people sit there too. 

Followup Letter

Because my family was so slow to respond to action from my letter I felt I needed to push them more. I sent out this second letter. It finally worked and we got my dad, sister, 2 brothers in law any myself in the competition.

Hello once again-

Sadly, I am once again eating popcorn. Someone stole all the laffy taffy at work but then again I might have ate it all. I write this time in mourning. Not mourning that the anti Christ sits on his chair in the Oval office smoking pot with Joe, Hillary and Nancy for 4 more years but because only two people have committed to save my life. I know most of you are thinking well its just Keith we can survive w/o him. Well ask yourselves this. When BBDA is the next Monster Inc who is going to take you to Maui? DAD? Yeah right we have been holding onto that promise for 6 years. Good luck with that. And now with Obama in office Hawaii will probably be given to the Taliban so Obama can hang with them at his house with his Grandma. 

Thank you Heather and Bob for committing. Even our sister Jennifer who just had a csection committed however she was told she cant participate for now. Maybe at a later date. Having said this I need some commitments today. We start on Friday people. Just think about this, a war is coming to America. When we all lose everything and have to run for our lives or from Obamas tax collectors and you get caught after a 50 ft cause you are out of breath you are going to be thinking Dang IT!! why didnt I do the biggest loser competition for Keith. Is that what you want? To be caught. 

We are all depressed right now because of the election. Most of us will turn to food. In your heads, when you just read, that I know you said to yourself..."guilty." Dont let Obama make you get fatter. He is already going to take your money now and give it to some other fat person so they can sit on their butts even more and do nothing but eat at some fried chicken joint drinking their malt liquor (that was not meant to racial). Do we really want to be ever mistaken for some person that gets free handouts from Obama when we are eating our fried chicken and drinking malt liquor? NO. I will not be mistaken for that. So since you obviously dont want to do it for me do it for America. 

Brad you get called stupid beaner all the time. Do you really want to be eating a burrito in Taco Bell and have some guy say, Hola gusto como calle de fat Obama amor, which is to interpreted as oh so you are one of those illegals that are getting my redistrubuted wealth and here you are eating for free at Taco Bell getting fatter than you already are. Get a job and pay your taxes you stupid &%^(*)(*&. Hate crime...all because you are fat...not because you look mexican. 

Hope and changed will never happen now so lets make it happen for at least the *****  households. Rules are below. I expect 50% more of you to join this competition. If you dont when my stocks go big heather and bob are going to be enjoying a nice Maui vacation with me and you guys can maybe look at the pics of us in our bikinis and speedos. Which one will I be wearing??? Wouldn't you like to know. Join the fun and find out. 

Rules- 

Start Date: Nov. 8, 2012 - Heather Bob and I starting then. Friday is the latest.
End Date: Feb. 28,2013

Entry Fee: $50.00 (might be sending it to Laurie) dont be dumb and not send it to whoever is holding it. If you don't your inheritance is gone per dad.

Weigh in's: Fridays are weigh in days. Please take a picture of your weight on the scale and send it in to all contestants by 8 pm. You will not be penalized if your weight stays the same but if it increases you will be required to put an additional $5 into the pot.

Workout: You must workout at least 5 times a week and include weight lifting into your workout at least 3 times. Please keep a simple log of all of your workouts. If you fail to workout you will be required to add a total of $2 to the pot for that week. Notice there is no time limit to workouts. The idea is to just do something.

Diet: You must eat at least 4 servings of fruits and 4 servings of vegetables daily. No soda is allowed except for Thanksgiving,Christmas and New Year's Eve and your Bday. If your bday is not during this you get one free day. 

Google Doc: Keith will make and share this. You enter your weight here and your workouts. Please be honest and dont lie. If your spouse is not participating they will be your accountability coach. 

How it all started

Dear Family-

Hope you are well. I know this is lengthy but please read it. 

I am writing this as I sit at work eating popcorn and laffy taffy. Why? I don't know. I am not even hungry and I don't even like laffy taffy. 

For those that dont call me or return my calls (jill), I have some bad news. I have been diagnosed as being a fat person. The doctor said I wasnt fat, just my stomach. Well the exact words were your stomach is obese, the rest of you is fine. However we all know that its just a nice way of saying you're super fat. 

It got worse. She proceeded to ask me to take off my shirt. I told her I didnt even know her, shouldn't we play a get to know you game and buy me dinner first? I took it off thinking she was going to ask me to do the truffle shuffle and laugh at me, but apparently she just wanted to hear me breathe. She proceeded to do other tests and blood work. 

After a week my results came back. It was official, I was diagnosed as a fat person. She called it prediabetic with a fatty liver but once again we all know what that really means. I just cursed under my breath and took it like a man...a really fat man. I didnt cry but I was upset. She asked me if I was okay I said yes. She knew I was lying. She said to me, well dont go and eat your feelings you have done enough of that chunky. You know its bad when your fat doctor is making fat jokes directed at you. 

Anyways I now come to you...my family. I need to lose weight. 5% of my weight according to the doctor however she said 10% would be best. Heather then called me last week and asked if I wanted to do a weigh loss thing Biggest Loser style. Of course I will I said. I want to save my life. I know I have other family members that want to lose weight as well. Let us do it together. If anything do it for me the once skinny (still best looking) of us all...fallen from grace, now fattest of us all...Brad not too far behind. Anyways I am the deprived middle child. Because of this status I am overlooked however due to my weight its hard not to see me and so if you would like me to be that overlooked person once again you will join us. 

I dont want to hear that you can do it on your own or dont have the money. Its just another excuse not to save/help/beat the crap and steal your little brothers money. I have been making excuses for so long. Help me stop making excuses. Help yourself stop making excuses. 

Yes I know I have heard it all before. "I dont need a competition to lose weight", "I can do it anytime" whatever, then why havent you? Until we all look like Scotty (just neck down cause he isnt as nice looking above the shoulders) none of us can say anything. Save my life. All I need is a $50 dollar donation that you can win back and everyone else's as well. Say yes because its harder to say than no (brad and dad) everyone else is usually more positive. Its the fat talking. "Yes" also has one more letter and therefore burns more calories and will jump start your transformation literally and figuratively. 

ARE YOU WITH ME? If you say no you are basically saying you are happy with me dying slowly. No pressure. 

*DISCLAIMER- some of this story may have been embellished for effect. Competition rules are geared to allow even playing field. Winner of total body weight lost wins the money. Example below. 

Example- I weigh 100 lbs and brad weights 500 lbs. If I lose 5 lbs and brad lost 20 lbs during competition I would win. I would have lost 5% of my total body mass and brad would have only lost 4%.